Craving You

March 5, 2016

Sometimes you just meet a person and you just click. You’re comfortable with them and you don’t have to pretend to be anyone or anything. You’re that click.
The best love story is when you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time.
You are the only person that can keep me sane in this horrible, horrible world we live in.
I crave your lips against mines everyday when we are apart. I crave every inch of your body twenty four seven.
I am attracted to the idea of your lips exploring my body as if it were a map. 
I go insane when we’re apart.


“Stop hurting yourself over him. What is it going to do for you? It’s not going to actually help you when it seems like it. It’s just giving you a reminder for every, not so smart reason.”

Once you start, you can’t stop. It helps at that moment. All the pain getting released. making your body go numb.
Giving me a reminder of what hurt me so bad, I had to physically hurt myself. Not so smart, but a good reminder.
I’m not myself anymore. I’m depressed. and I’m very suicidal at the moment. I can go at any minute, but I choose not to. People out there do love me. I just don’t want to believe that they do at all. To me, no one loves me like I love you.
There’s nights where I cry so hard that my body aches and I shake and I have to bury my face into a pillow, so no one hears me.
there are also nights when i’m happy that you’re happy and i think everything happens for a reason.
There are nights where I feel nothing at all, but there is never a night that you don’t cross my mind.
I’m so lonely and all I want is for your two arms to hold me and make me feel at home.
Looking at you was like, realizing everything that I ever wanted was right in front of me the whole damn time.
You’re a fucking work of art and I’m the complete opposite. I am a mess and in a world like this, I can’t believe someone like you would want someone like me.
It all makes me wonder if this is some kind of twisted joke. But darling, I hope it’s not because you make my skies shine.
You wanting to just be friends now, kills me. It could’ve been half a year in ten days. March fifteenth would’ve been a happy day for us, but now I’m dreading it.
“This isn’t that bad. okay, I can do this”, you said.
Being only your friend is killing me slowly inside. I can’t just be your friend. We did so much.
What will happen if you find another girl?
You’re going to be more focused on her. Then you’ll leave me like I was nothing to you.
She would be your everything like I was to you before. But you’ll be happy, so i’ll force myself to be happy, too.
What if I can’t ever forget you?
You mean so much to me and I’m not happy without you. If you can’t believe me, I don’t know what else to do anymore.
My life won’t be worth living anymore.
I can’t keep promises. I can’t control myself anymore. I have gone insane already without you and it’s only been one day.
Don’t paint me black, when I used to be golden

 

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I’m Sorry

I’m so sorry that I led you into my life. You were so nice and loving to me. I’ll never forget the days where we sat on my couch and watched season two of The Flash. I’ll never forget the awkward double dates we had with our friends. I’ll never forget our Pokemon adventure in Forest Park with the snowcones and taco truck. But most of all, I’ll never forget the time you surprised me with icecream through my window when I was sad. You were the one that made me happy. For the only two weeks that we were together, it was honestly a blast. I was so scared to get into a relationship with someone new. I guess I only went back because it was someone familiar that i had a past with.

I was stupid enough to leave someone good in my life, for an ex. I chose an ex boyfriend over the current boy I was talking to. Why? Why would I do that to myself? He was willing to give a girl, that was four years younger than him, a chance. My dumbass screwed it up. I was scared to get into a relationship with him because I didn’t want to drag him into the mess that I created to myself. I was so into him though. But the ex showed back up right when I started to get happy again. So, I had to end it. I can’t chase after a guy if I’m still in love with another. I guess it was for the best honestly. But it hurts so much because I think about it still from this day. Note that this happened in the summer of twenty sixteen. It’s now the summer of twenty seventeen. It still fucks me up til this day. I don’t understand why I left such a perfect dude for a shitty ass person.

We gave it another try in the winter of swenty sixteen. I really tried this time. But you ended it shortly after. I dont know what I did. I’m glad that we were able to get a second chance. Going to Piology and Ted Drewes with you was a blast. We never got time to hang out since we both had school and finals going on. I’m glad that we kept our relationship between us and a few close friends though. It’s good that no one knows about this

Even though I’m writing about it, no one will find out out who I’m talking about. You don’t even read my posts so it won’t matter.

 

 

“i know i might be an ass for this, but im just gonna text you. i know you have feelings for me or stuff of that nature, but i hate to tell you this. i don’t see us being together in the future or ever. i want to be able to find the right girl for me. i just don’t see us being together, like we’re not meant for each other. i hope you don’t get this the wrong way or anything. i like you, it’s just i have too many things to focus on. i want to find the one for me, and i hope you find the right guy. its just that guy isn’t me. im sorry that im telling this you over text, but i couldn’t wait any longer or do it in person.”

 

Friends

Sometimes, you just have to step back and see who your real friends are at some point in your life. You just never know anymore. People can surprise you from time to time. You can’t let people come into your life without seeing what they’re like. That was my mistake. I’m used to it though. People come and go all the time. I only have a few stable friends that have been there for me through it all. I recently gained a friend back, but I lost one in the same day. I’m losing more and more each day. The only person here for me is myself. You are all you need. At this point it really doesn’t even matter if you have friend or not. You have to focus on yourself because once you’re out of high school, everyone goes their separate ways and they won’t look back.

Drifted

its been so long since ive been so down on myself lately. i dont know what going on. its probably just one of those weeks, but im on vacation. i should be happy. im done faking everything. i actually lost a few friends. well, we drifted apart from each other i guess. i mean, i drifted apart from many people. no ones ever here for me anymore, but im always there for them. people hit me up when they need something. i dont know what to do. i lost so many people in my life already. its to the point where i question if the friends i have right now are actually here for me. man, its been a while since ive been writing. i guess ive just been bottling everything up from everyone. its funny because id rather tell you guys, strangers on the internet, my feelings, instead of the people closest to me. but to be honest, im not close with anyone anymore. i have no one i call my family besides my actual blood. everyone leaves, no ones permanent.

Be Selfish

You don’t always have to put other people before you and your own feelings/emotions. You have to look after yourself sometimes, or all the time. Put your problems before other people. I’m not saying to always do that, but you should care for yourself before you care for others, too. You’re the only one who get you. No one else gets you like yourself. Not everyone understands what you go through everyday, so that’s why you should take care of yourself when no one else can. That’s why you should be selfish. Be selfish with your happiness because you never know when you’ll be able to be that happy again. Be selfish with your friends. You’ll never know when you guys will go on your separate ways.

Summer 2017

Being around the people you care about will make you really happy. I’m in a some what good spot right now with friends. I’ve lost quite a few friends throughout this year. Maybe even one that’s in the picture above. I feel like everything happens for a reason. Or maybe, it’s just your fault that you’re losing friends.

There comes a time were you realize who your real friends are. It might now be now and it might not be until for finish high school or college. It takes a while to see who sticks with you through everything, even the rough patches in your life. People will surprise you. I didn’t think I’d lose someone that was in the picture here. We were getting close. Things happen, it’s no ones fault. I mean, I can blame that person for what they did, but i’d just rather forget about it and move on. It’s just so stupid how people lose friends. It can be over something so stupid.

I thought my summer was going to be fun with all the people I thought would stick by my side through it all. I already lost two friends this summer. Its rough, but you just got to move on. I really don’t know how i’m doing it. It hurts so much losing them. They made me happy. One more than the other. Summer was supposed to be how we were all going to get close. I really wanted to be with them throughout their senior year. I wanted to go on late night food runs with them and daily adventures. I wasn’t expecting to hang out with only three other people this summer and just staying at home all day, besides when I have to go out. How’s your summer going?

Him

I haven’t seen you in a while and today was the first time in months that I’ve seen you in person. I was at cheer practice and you walked through the door with some other football players. I didn’t know if it was you or not. Its been so long. All I was thinking about was, “He’s doing football? What the fuck.” I couldn’t really process it through my brain quick enough. I was just really shocked. It threw me off my game. I kept staring and gazing at you like you’re worth something. By the way you’re not. It just felt so weird seeing you for the first time again.

It just sucks that you didn’t even glance over or anything. I mean, why would you. We don’t even speak to each other.

You’ve impacted my life in a good and bad way. Mostly bad, but I learned from my mistakes. I still love you. We went through hell together and some how kinda made it out okay. But more shit happened and look at us. We hate each other. I’m not surprised though. You made me really really happy when we were together. But we both suffered in the relationship. It sucked. We couldn’t work as a couple at all. We just had different standards that we tried to force upon another.

I’ll never forget the day that you first said I love you to me. Its almost been two years since we got together. September 15, 2015. Time flies when you’re hurt. I’m glad that we’ll never be together ever again. But thanks for the very few times that we actually had fun together. I cant believe its already been 9 months since we called it quits. I’m so relieved that i’ll never go through that pain again.

I Miss You

You were my best friend, but you picked her over me. It sucks that it has to be this way. We went through some tough times together and made it out the other side with each other. We almost made it through freshman year together. Almost. I really needed my best friend these past few days, but you weren’t there. I had no one to talk about my problems with. You were the one person that really got me and understood what I was going through. You were there from the start. You stood by my side from the sixth grade ’til the beginning of twenty seventeen. Why did you choose her? Why did you choose a girlfriend over a best friend? It broke my heart when you left me because I had no one to talk to. I always turned to you when something was wrong. I miss you.

I would always love joking around with you. We had the weirdest inside jokes and funny voices we would use. “Home isn’t where you are, it’s who you’re with. Doesn’t matter where we go, when i’m with you I am home.” You are my home. Were my home. I have no home anymore. You always knew how to cheer me up.

I remember this one time where I was at the field with everyone and you were there. I got into a bad mood and wanted to leave. I started walking up the stairs and you kept following me. You didn’t want me to leave until I told you what was wrong. And honestly, I didn’t know what was wrong. I just wanted to go home. But you didn’t let me. You kept walking with me until I told you. I don’t know how, but you took my show some how. I started to cry because I really wanted to go home. You still didn’t let me and you didn’t give me my shoe back. You said something that made me laugh, but I really wasn’t in the mood to laugh or smile. But I did because you knew how to cheer me up. You finally let me go home after you gave me a hug. You were a true friend for doing that. You wanted to make sure that I was okay. You wanted me to be happy, but where are you now?

March 18, 2016

How did you manage to love me for so long? How did you forgive me from the fucked up thing I did to you? You do really love me, huh? But I guess you’ve reached your breaking point and made up your mind. You decided to finally give up on me. But it’s okay, I fucked up and i get that. But you said something that really got to me. You said that you were scared to date me. That I was too suicidal for you to date me. That my self mutilation was too much for you. I got you too stressed out that you couldn’t even worry about yourself. You only worried about me, you didn’t want me to kill myself. But after what you said, I’ve gotten worse in my opinion. You were the only person that could keep me happy for a long period of time. And you’re pretty much gone now. We still talk but is it really the same anymore? Us being friends is not okay in my opinion but I can’t always get what I want, can I? If I have to be stuck being your friend to talk to you everyday, I guess I have to just man up and deal with it. I can’t lose you for good. If I lose you forever, I honestly wouldn’t know what to do. I still don’t get how you’re still staying by my side. You still care for me as I can see. You can’t let me go, and neither can I. But, you can never gain my trust back. I’ve crossed the line and I honestly wish I can go back and fix that one damn mistake I made. But, I can’t. It’s forever gonna fuck me over. And i’ll never be able to be yours again. That fucking breaks my heart just typing it. I love you so much. I’m always happy when you’re around me. I can never be mad at you for a long time.

June 14, 2017

You don’t care about me anymore. You let me go, but I still can’t let you go. You still can never gain my trust back. I can’t fix that one damn mistake that I made. I’ll never be able to be yours again. Typing this still breaks my heart. I love you so much. I used to be happy when you’re around me. I will always be mad at you for as long as I live.

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