Be Selfish

You don’t always have to put other people before you and your own feelings/emotions. You have to look after yourself sometimes, or all the time. Put your problems before other people. I’m not saying to always do that, but you should care for yourself before you care for others, too. You’re the only one who get you. No one else gets you like yourself. Not everyone understands what you go through everyday, so that’s why you should take care of yourself when no one else can. That’s why you should be selfish. Be selfish with your happiness because you never know when you’ll be able to be that happy again. Be selfish with your friends. You’ll never know when you guys will go on your separate ways.

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Summer 2017

Being around the people you care about will make you really happy. I’m in a some what good spot right now with friends. I’ve lost quite a few friends throughout this year. Maybe even one that’s in the picture above. I feel like everything happens for a reason. Or maybe, it’s just your fault that you’re losing friends.

There comes a time were you realize who your real friends are. It might now be now and it might not be until for finish high school or college. It takes a while to see who sticks with you through everything, even the rough patches in your life. People will surprise you. I didn’t think I’d lose someone that was in the picture here. We were getting close. Things happen, it’s no ones fault. I mean, I can blame that person for what they did, but i’d just rather forget about it and move on. It’s just so stupid how people lose friends. It can be over something so stupid.

I thought my summer was going to be fun with all the people I thought would stick by my side through it all. I already lost two friends this summer. Its rough, but you just got to move on. I really don’t know how i’m doing it. It hurts so much losing them. They made me happy. One more than the other. Summer was supposed to be how we were all going to get close. I really wanted to be with them throughout their senior year. I wanted to go on late night food runs with them and daily adventures. I wasn’t expecting to hang out with only three other people this summer and just staying at home all day, besides when I have to go out. How’s your summer going?

Him

I haven’t seen you in a while and today was the first time in months that I’ve seen you in person. I was at cheer practice and you walked through the door with some other football players. I didn’t know if it was you or not. Its been so long. All I was thinking about was, “He’s doing football? What the fuck.” I couldn’t really process it through my brain quick enough. I was just really shocked. It threw me off my game. I kept staring and gazing at you like you’re worth something. By the way you’re not. It just felt so weird seeing you for the first time again.

It just sucks that you didn’t even glance over or anything. I mean, why would you. We don’t even speak to each other.

You’ve impacted my life in a good and bad way. Mostly bad, but I learned from my mistakes. I still love you. We went through hell together and some how kinda made it out okay. But more shit happened and look at us. We hate each other. I’m not surprised though. You made me really really happy when we were together. But we both suffered in the relationship. It sucked. We couldn’t work as a couple at all. We just had different standards that we tried to force upon another.

I’ll never forget the day that you first said I love you to me. Its almost been two years since we got together. September 15, 2015. Time flies when you’re hurt. I’m glad that we’ll never be together ever again. But thanks for the very few times that we actually had fun together. I cant believe its already been 9 months since we called it quits. I’m so relieved that i’ll never go through that pain again.

I Miss You

You were my best friend, but you picked her over me. It sucks that it has to be this way. We went through some tough times together and made it out the other side with each other. We almost made it through freshman year together. Almost. I really needed my best friend these past few days, but you weren’t there. I had no one to talk about my problems with. You were the one person that really got me and understood what I was going through. You were there from the start. You stood by my side from the sixth grade ’til the beginning of twenty seventeen. Why did you choose her? Why did you choose a girlfriend over a best friend? It broke my heart when you left me because I had no one to talk to. I always turned to you when something was wrong. I miss you.

I would always love joking around with you. We had the weirdest inside jokes and funny voices we would use. “Home isn’t where you are, it’s who you’re with. Doesn’t matter where we go, when i’m with you I am home.” You are my home. Were my home. I have no home anymore. You always knew how to cheer me up.

I remember this one time where I was at the field with everyone and you were there. I got into a bad mood and wanted to leave. I started walking up the stairs and you kept following me. You didn’t want me to leave until I told you what was wrong. And honestly, I didn’t know what was wrong. I just wanted to go home. But you didn’t like me. You kept walking with me until I told you. I don’t know how, but you took my show some how. I started to cry because I really wanted to go home. You still didn’t let me and you didn’t give me my shoe back. You said something that made me laugh, but I really wasn’t in the mood to laugh or smile. But I did because you knew how to cheer me up. You finally let me go home after you gave me a hug. You were a true friend for doing that. You wanted to make sure that I was okay. You wanted me to be happy, but where are you now?

March 18, 2016

How did you manage to love me for so long? How did you forgive me from the fucked up thing I did to you? You do really love me, huh? But I guess you’ve reached your breaking point and made up your mind. You decided to finally give up on me. But it’s okay, I fucked up and i get that. But you said something that really got to me. You said that you were scared to date me. That I was too suicidal for you to date me. That my self mutilation was too much for you. I got you too stressed out that you couldn’t even worry about yourself. You only worried about me, you didn’t want me to kill myself. But after what you said, I’ve gotten worse in my opinion. You were the only person that could keep me happy for a long period of time. And you’re pretty much gone now. We still talk but is it really the same anymore? Us being friends is not okay in my opinion but I can’t always get what I want, can I? If I have to be stuck being your friend to talk to you everyday, I guess I have to just man up and deal with it. I can’t lose you for good. If I lose you forever, I honestly wouldn’t know what to do. I still don’t get how you’re still staying by my side. You still care for me as I can see. You can’t let me go, and neither can I. But, you can never gain my trust back. I’ve crossed the line and I honestly wish I can go back and fix that one damn mistake I made. But, I can’t. It’s forever gonna fuck me over. And i’ll never be able to be yours again. That fucking breaks my heart just typing it. I love you so much. I’m always happy when you’re around me. I can never be mad at you for a long time.

June 14, 2017

You don’t care about me anymore. You let me go, but I still can’t let you go. You still can never gain my trust back. I can’t fix that one damn mistake that I made. I’ll never be able to be yours again. Typing this still breaks my heart. I love you so much. I used to be happy when you’re around me. I will always be mad at you for as long as I live.

Soul Mates

Love is stupid. It is. I believe that love is stupid. You guys can fight and disagree about what I just said, but that’s my belief. I don’t believe that you have just one soul mate. What the hell, I don’t even think that you have a soul mate. I feel like you fall in love because that is what the ‘norm’ is. Falling in love is a normal thing, but soul mates don’t come along that easy. You think you have your soul mate when you’re in love, but when you guys split and go on your own ways, you say it’s not meant to be? People are so hypocritical on each other, and themselves, too.

I just don’t get why we need someone to love us so we can function throughout our life, you know? Love shouldn’t be something you wait for. If you think you have a soul mate, that’s great no one’s stopping you guys from being together. But when you met your “other half” don’t let them be your happiness. Don’t base your happiness on a person or a place where you want to be. Happiness is an emotion, not a destination.

Back to what I was saying, I think that you don’t just get one soul mate. I feel like you get to have many. A soul mate isn’t just someone you have to be in a relationship with. Your soul mate could be your best friend. Who knows?

You II

You make me happy. We don’t talk at all, but you still make me happy. I barely know you and you’re always the one person I look forward to seeing. Although, I don’t even see you that often and we don’t even acknowledge each others presence. I find it funny how i’m so head over heels for you and you’re so not.

Being with you made me more outgoing and energetic. I guess I always tried to show off in a way. You’ve really impacted my life because I never tried this hard to get someones attention before. It’s pathetic and I hate myself for it, but it’s okay. You brought out the best of me. You make me a good person. Well, not so much anymore because we never hang out because we were never that close.

I know you don’t like me and it sucks. I used to always get whatever I want, but I can’t have you. I know you’re not an object, but i’m usually a spoiled brat. I’m being honest here. I always get everything, well, I used to. I really don’t know why i’m attracted to you. I don’t know you and you don’t know me at all. We just have the same friends. It feels like we’ve been friends forever though. I told you so much about me, but I still know nothing about you.

I kinda got some closure, but not the kind I wanted. I still don’t know why you won’t give me a chance. Yes, you don’t like me, but why? I’m sorry that you read part one of this. I didn’t know that you would actually read it. Did you read anything else? I want you to. I want you to see what kind of person I am. A heart broken girl writing about her feelings onto a blog for everyone to see. I’m sorry that you read this and i’m sorry that i’m making a part two to this. I guess i’m making a second part to this because I know that you’ll read it. I’m sorry i’m like this. I know it’s never going to work out. You said that it wouldn’t, so i’m giving up.

Second Chances II

“Just because somebody flirts with you, doesn’t mean that they like you. Just because someone likes you, doesn’t mean that they wanna go out with you. Just because they wanna go out with you, doesn’t mean that they they love you. Just because someone loves you, doesn’t mean they won’t hurt you. Just because people lie, things change. People cheat on each other, and best friends ditch each other, too. Never forget that people will kill to see you fall.”

“Boys, don’t make her look stupid for loving you. Our generation thinks it’s so cool not to care. It’s not. Effort is cool. Caring is cool. Staying loyal is cool. You guys should try it sometime. Same goes for you too, girls. It hurts me so much to see people who are bent out of shape over a shitty ass person. They could do so much better than what they have, never forget that.”

You guys need to understand those two sayings. I do, too. You have to be able to care about the person who loves you more than anything. You can’t just treat them like shit once you got them. There’s supposed to be two people in a relationship. You can’t just let the other person fall apart trying to keep the relationship together. You should never give that person a second chance. Even if you love them so much. You have to let them go if they show no fucking effort in the relationship. You’re gonna hurt so bad when you don’t have them, it’s supposed to hurt. You just lost the one person you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with. It’s like you’re missing a part of you, you know? Who are you gonna tell good news to when you’re happy? It’s gonna hurt. You’re gonna cry. No one can come back from a broken heart, they won’t ever be the same again.

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