Lost

June 20, 2017

I don’t know where i’m headed. I’m just going with the flow right now. It’s currently 3:01am and I just cried because I can’t fall asleep. I’m honestly so lost in life right now. I thought I knew where I was going, but things change and now i’m here wondering where i’m going to be in three years. Three more years ’til i’m going to be entering the real world. No more high school, no more drama.

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Who Were You?

Who were you before they broke your heart? Do you remember what you were like? You probably don’t. Its probably been a long time. They sucked all the happiness out of your life just by walking away. 

Why?

Why do I always go back to you. You hurt me so much throughout our relationship we had together. I mean, I hurt you too. Once. only once. Maybe twice. But you hurt me several fucking times. So why do I always find my way back to you? Please tell me because I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I hate that I fucking love you because I need to stop these feelings I still have for you. You’re on my mind every single day and every single hour. The thoughts of you need to stop because I lose focus on the important things in my life.

How are you? I bet you’re doing just fine without me. I mean, you seem fine. But are you really? Are you happier without me? You look alright to me when I pass you in the halls. If you are happy, that’s good. You’re moving on with your life, something I can’t do. Good job to you.

To be honest, what the fuck happened to us? We were just fine. Fine, not okay, but fine. We were stable enough to have a relationship again. But then the carnival happened, and I was too shy to stand next to you because you always act hard in front of your friends so I could never be clingy. You never let me hold your hand in public or even hug you without you stepping away or giving me a look.

I never really understood you. Were you only using me for my body, so you had someone to call yours and no one else can have me? Was I your fucking property? I swear to god that you only got back with me because you wanted someone to love you. Someone who was so vulnerable to be with you. You treated me like shit. All you wanted was sex and I didn’t give that to you. You always got mad. You never respected that about me. So I guess that’s where you gave up.

I shouldn’t have given you those chances. After how you treated me? Wow, I’m so stupid. I really don’t get why I’m getting so worked up over you. I shouldn’t be sad about getting dumped by you. I should be grateful that you finally ended it for good. But I’m blaming myself for this. For some reason, I can’t bare to lose you. I keep questioning why it’s so hard for me to forget about you.

August 26, 2016

i want the old me back, you know? the one who never gave a shit about anything or what anyone said. the one who was never scared of anything. not even scary movies, nothing fazed me. i was so outgoing even though i was really anti social and shit but still. i made friends easily and was somewhat happy. but now, im just a fucking mess. i give a shit about everything and gave a shit about what everyone said. im scared of everything now. ive gotten so anti social that i dont even hang out with anyone anymore. and im never happy anymore tbh.. everything just goes wrong got me and when something good happens to me i push it away. im not used to being happy so its like i have to always be sad. idk what to do anymore. 

October 20, 2016 

Why again? I keep asking myself after i gave you another chance with me. Why again? You kept hurting me and i was the one who kept on apologizing because i thought i was in love with you, but really, i was only in love with your lies. You and i just don’t work as a couple. We really never did. I really don’t know why i gave you another chance after you tried to get with my best friend, well ex- best friend now. So you tell me, why? Why again? We were fucking selfish. That’s why we tried again after the billionth time. I’m in love with you. Was in love with you.. You just gave up on me once you had me again. You always called yourself a fuckboy and always questioned me about why i went back with you. I just ignored you, when i shouldn’t have. Because you were right. You are a fuckboy and i guess you’re proud of it? I can’t pass you in the hallway without me needing to stare are you to see if i’ll catch you staring back. But no, every time i look up, you’re looking down. Every single day, i tried. I tried getting your attention but i just couldn’t. So, i gave up. I gave up on trying to get your attention every single day. You gave up a long time ago, so why couldn’t i? We just drifted apart from each other over the summer, we weren’t the same couple we were in 2015. We changed so much throughout the months we’ve been apart. 
Im glad you tried ending it on a good note. But i couldn’t. I didn’t want to lose you again. I wanted to be with you because you were the only one who made me happy. But i guess that your feelings faded and i changed. I couldn’t bare to lose you again. I knew that we wouldn’t have worked but i was selfish, and wanted you back. I wanted to be happy.

Craving You

March 5, 2016

Sometimes you just meet a person and you just click. You’re comfortable with them and you don’t have to pretend to be anyone or anything. You’re that click.
The best love story is when you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time.
You are the only person that can keep me sane in this horrible, horrible world we live in.
I crave your lips against mines everyday when we are apart. I crave every inch of your body twenty four seven.
I am attracted to the idea of your lips exploring my body as if it were a map. 
I go insane when we’re apart.


“Stop hurting yourself over him. What is it going to do for you? It’s not going to actually help you when it seems like it. It’s just giving you a reminder for every, not so smart reason.”

Once you start, you can’t stop. It helps at that moment. All the pain getting released. making your body go numb.
Giving me a reminder of what hurt me so bad, I had to physically hurt myself. Not so smart, but a good reminder.
I’m not myself anymore. I’m depressed. and I’m very suicidal at the moment. I can go at any minute, but I choose not to. People out there do love me. I just don’t want to believe that they do at all. To me, no one loves me like I love you.
There’s nights where I cry so hard that my body aches and I shake and I have to bury my face into a pillow, so no one hears me.
there are also nights when i’m happy that you’re happy and i think everything happens for a reason.
There are nights where I feel nothing at all, but there is never a night that you don’t cross my mind.
I’m so lonely and all I want is for your two arms to hold me and make me feel at home.
Looking at you was like, realizing everything that I ever wanted was right in front of me the whole damn time.
You’re a fucking work of art and I’m the complete opposite. I am a mess and in a world like this, I can’t believe someone like you would want someone like me.
It all makes me wonder if this is some kind of twisted joke. But darling, I hope it’s not because you make my skies shine.
You wanting to just be friends now, kills me. It could’ve been half a year in ten days. March fifteenth would’ve been a happy day for us, but now I’m dreading it.
“This isn’t that bad. okay, I can do this”, you said.
Being only your friend is killing me slowly inside. I can’t just be your friend. We did so much.
What will happen if you find another girl?
You’re going to be more focused on her. Then you’ll leave me like I was nothing to you.
She would be your everything like I was to you before. But you’ll be happy, so i’ll force myself to be happy, too.
What if I can’t ever forget you?
You mean so much to me and I’m not happy without you. If you can’t believe me, I don’t know what else to do anymore.
My life won’t be worth living anymore.
I can’t keep promises. I can’t control myself anymore. I have gone insane already without you and it’s only been one day.
Don’t paint me black, when I used to be golden

 

I’m Sorry

I’m so sorry that I led you into my life. You were so nice and loving to me. I’ll never forget the days where we sat on my couch and watched season two of The Flash. I’ll never forget the awkward double dates we had with our friends. I’ll never forget our Pokemon adventure in Forest Park with the snowcones and taco truck. But most of all, I’ll never forget the time you surprised me with icecream through my window when I was sad. You were the one that made me happy. For the only two weeks that we were together, it was honestly a blast. I was so scared to get into a relationship with someone new. I guess I only went back because it was someone familiar that i had a past with.

I was stupid enough to leave someone good in my life, for an ex. I chose an ex boyfriend over the current boy I was talking to. Why? Why would I do that to myself? He was willing to give a girl, that was four years younger than him, a chance. My dumbass screwed it up. I was scared to get into a relationship with him because I didn’t want to drag him into the mess that I created to myself. I was so into him though. But the ex showed back up right when I started to get happy again. So, I had to end it. I can’t chase after a guy if I’m still in love with another. I guess it was for the best honestly. But it hurts so much because I think about it still from this day. Note that this happened in the summer of twenty sixteen. It’s now the summer of twenty seventeen. It still fucks me up til this day. I don’t understand why I left such a perfect dude for a shitty ass person.

We gave it another try in the winter of swenty sixteen. I really tried this time. But you ended it shortly after. I dont know what I did. I’m glad that we were able to get a second chance. Going to Piology and Ted Drewes with you was a blast. We never got time to hang out since we both had school and finals going on. I’m glad that we kept our relationship between us and a few close friends though. It’s good that no one knows about this

Even though I’m writing about it, no one will find out out who I’m talking about. You don’t even read my posts so it won’t matter.

 

 

“i know i might be an ass for this, but im just gonna text you. i know you have feelings for me or stuff of that nature, but i hate to tell you this. i don’t see us being together in the future or ever. i want to be able to find the right girl for me. i just don’t see us being together, like we’re not meant for each other. i hope you don’t get this the wrong way or anything. i like you, it’s just i have too many things to focus on. i want to find the one for me, and i hope you find the right guy. its just that guy isn’t me. im sorry that im telling this you over text, but i couldn’t wait any longer or do it in person.”

 

Friends

Sometimes, you just have to step back and see who your real friends are at some point in your life. You just never know anymore. People can surprise you from time to time. You can’t let people come into your life without seeing what they’re like. That was my mistake. I’m used to it though. People come and go all the time. I only have a few stable friends that have been there for me through it all. I recently gained a friend back, but I lost one in the same day. I’m losing more and more each day. The only person here for me is myself. You are all you need. At this point it really doesn’t even matter if you have friend or not. You have to focus on yourself because once you’re out of high school, everyone goes their separate ways and they won’t look back.

Drifted

its been so long since ive been so down on myself lately. i dont know what going on. its probably just one of those weeks, but im on vacation. i should be happy. im done faking everything. i actually lost a few friends. well, we drifted apart from each other i guess. i mean, i drifted apart from many people. no ones ever here for me anymore, but im always there for them. people hit me up when they need something. i dont know what to do. i lost so many people in my life already. its to the point where i question if the friends i have right now are actually here for me. man, its been a while since ive been writing. i guess ive just been bottling everything up from everyone. its funny because id rather tell you guys, strangers on the internet, my feelings, instead of the people closest to me. but to be honest, im not close with anyone anymore. i have no one i call my family besides my actual blood. everyone leaves, no ones permanent.

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