Him III

I haven’t gotten over you yet. It sucks because we never even talked romantically before either. I still don’t know why I’m so head over heels for you. You’ve talked to me a lot now recently. I remember the first time you said hi to me in a really long time. I was really caught off guard, too. All my friends were hanging out in the teachers parking lot having a little car meet while the girls soccer team was playing. I was hanging outside a car window with my friend, jamming out to music with the others. Volleyball practice ended and everyone came out of the gym and said hi to everyone. You walked passed everyone and said hi as well. When you came back over to the group, you waved to me and said hi Ashley. Of course I waved back and said hey. My eyes brightened up so much and my smile got really big. I was so surprised that you even acknowledged my presence because you never did in the past before. That’s when I knew my feelings for you never left.

I really tried to suppress my feelings for you. Ever since you told me your real feelings last year, I was so heart broken. You broke my heart without even getting into a relationship with me. That’s how you know I was really falling for you. I just had to accept the fact that you had no interest in me whatsoever. All summer long, you were on my mind 24/7. I got back with my ex in the beginning of the school year and I really thought that that’s what I wanted when in reality, all i wanted was is you. The new year started and I got into another relationship. I got caught up in something small, but it made me think. My phone password was still your name after all these months of trying to get over you. Why would I keep your name as my password? I told people that it didn’t mean anything to me anymore and it was just an easy password to memorize since it’s been so long. It wasn’t just numbers though. You still meant something to me even if I meant nothing to you.

Now, summer 2018 is coming and you’re leaving for college soon. You’ll always be on my mind now. All I was now is you. After all the boys I talked to, you somehow always come back to me. Somehow I’m still stuck on you and I wish I wasn’t.

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March 20, 2018

i cant believe we’ve gotten this far into our relationship together. i really thought that something would happen & we would break it off with each other. we always talk through things and never hold grudges. thats why i love you so much. we communicate when something is bothering one of us. i’ve gotten so comfortable around you now. i used to be so insecure about my feet and always had to put socks on. i would freak out if i didn’t have any on. now, i don’t even care if i wear socks or not. you touch my feet no matter what and its funny as hell to me.

i’ve learned to not burp in ur face & always try to blow it away from you because you hate it. and i always know when to lift up my head when u try to move my hair out of your face when i’m laying on you.

three kisses. its our thing. we kiss each other & you say ‘another one’ each time and i give you three more kisses in a row. i don’t know why you even say ‘another one’ because i know its coming each time i give you a kiss. i just think its hella fucking cute how we do that shit. i don’t know anyone else who does it around here so that makes us special.

Our Last

You never know when your last i love you or last kiss will be. Make every moment with your lover count, whether you’ll see them tomorrow or not.

Our last kiss was so quick. You drove by my house to give me my juul charger and my sisters thigh high boots. I kissed you through the window and said I love you. The kiss was so quick because I had to go back inside to pack for my Chicago trip. I really thought that I was going to see you again and not to see you just because you wanted to break up with me. I didn’t realize that our last would come so soon.

Broken Hearted

I’m back and here’s to another boy that broke my heart.

“You know I love you, right?” I couldn’t bare to see your face when you said that to me. I knew what was coming right when you came over that night. We both knew that it was going to come sooner or later, but it came too fucking soon. You told me that you’ve been losing feelings. Why didn’t you tell me the moment you realized that? You had me thinking that you were down to ride with me. When in reality, you weren’t. You told me that you were forced into this relationship. Why didn’t you tell me that when you asked me out? You’ve just been playing games throughout this entire relationship. You got me thinking, was this relationship fake? Did you fake all your feelings for me or did you really love me like you said? Again, you said that you didn’t have the same feelings for me like you did in the beginning of the relationship. Why did you just now decide to tell me that?

You basically asked me to wait for you when your feelings came back for me. Why would you think that I would do that for you? You knew that I didn’t want to deal with another on and off relationship since I was in one for two years before you. You wanted to be friends, but I told you that it wouldn’t work out. I wouldn’t know how to get over you if i talked to you everyday. I told you that if we end it now, we end it forever. You didn’t want to end it because you still had feelings for me but not as strong as they were before. “I guess to you that we’re gonna break up forever, but I still love you.” I couldn’t look at you the whole time we were talking. You tried comforting me by rubbing my back while I was trying to hide the tears that were falling down my cheeks.

You came over the next day to eat the cookie cake my sister got me. “men aint shit”. You thought it was funny. We were sitting on the couch for about 30 minutes by ourselves talking. Just talking. It felt like nothing ever happened between us. There was no awkwardness between us, just jokes. The break up really sunk in when you were leaving. I opened the door for you, like I always did and you held out your hand to give me those friend handshakes. That’s when I knew that this break up was real. “see ya later, ashley”. All I said was bye and closed the door. I was going to break down and cry right then and there because that’s when I realized there will be no more I love yous and no more goodbye kisses.

I knew that this break up was a mutual decision, but I felt so heart broken when you left me. I knew it was the best for me because if you kept this up, I probably would’ve gotten more hurt like you said. I’m just so annoyed at myself for opening up to you about my whole life so fucking early. I always do this when I start to talk to someone new. I always open up my heart and then get heart broken in the end.

Lost

June 20, 2017

I don’t know where i’m headed. I’m just going with the flow right now. It’s currently 3:01am and I just cried because I can’t fall asleep. I’m honestly so lost in life right now. I thought I knew where I was going, but things change and now i’m here wondering where i’m going to be in three years. Three more years ’til i’m going to be entering the real world. No more high school, no more drama.

Who Were You?

Who were you before they broke your heart? Do you remember what you were like? You probably don’t. Its probably been a long time. They sucked all the happiness out of your life just by walking away. 

Why?

Why do I always go back to you. You hurt me so much throughout our relationship we had together. I mean, I hurt you too. Once. only once. Maybe twice. But you hurt me several fucking times. So why do I always find my way back to you? Please tell me because I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I hate that I fucking love you because I need to stop these feelings I still have for you. You’re on my mind every single day and every single hour. The thoughts of you need to stop because I lose focus on the important things in my life.

How are you? I bet you’re doing just fine without me. I mean, you seem fine. But are you really? Are you happier without me? You look alright to me when I pass you in the halls. If you are happy, that’s good. You’re moving on with your life, something I can’t do. Good job to you.

To be honest, what the fuck happened to us? We were just fine. Fine, not okay, but fine. We were stable enough to have a relationship again. But then the carnival happened, and I was too shy to stand next to you because you always act hard in front of your friends so I could never be clingy. You never let me hold your hand in public or even hug you without you stepping away or giving me a look.

I never really understood you. Were you only using me for my body, so you had someone to call yours and no one else can have me? Was I your fucking property? I swear to god that you only got back with me because you wanted someone to love you. Someone who was so vulnerable to be with you. You treated me like shit. All you wanted was sex and I didn’t give that to you. You always got mad. You never respected that about me. So I guess that’s where you gave up.

I shouldn’t have given you those chances. After how you treated me? Wow, I’m so stupid. I really don’t get why I’m getting so worked up over you. I shouldn’t be sad about getting dumped by you. I should be grateful that you finally ended it for good. But I’m blaming myself for this. For some reason, I can’t bare to lose you. I keep questioning why it’s so hard for me to forget about you.

August 26, 2016

i want the old me back, you know? the one who never gave a shit about anything or what anyone said. the one who was never scared of anything. not even scary movies, nothing fazed me. i was so outgoing even though i was really anti social and shit but still. i made friends easily and was somewhat happy. but now, im just a fucking mess. i give a shit about everything and gave a shit about what everyone said. im scared of everything now. ive gotten so anti social that i dont even hang out with anyone anymore. and im never happy anymore tbh.. everything just goes wrong got me and when something good happens to me i push it away. im not used to being happy so its like i have to always be sad. idk what to do anymore. 

October 20, 2016 

Why again? I keep asking myself after i gave you another chance with me. Why again? You kept hurting me and i was the one who kept on apologizing because i thought i was in love with you, but really, i was only in love with your lies. You and i just don’t work as a couple. We really never did. I really don’t know why i gave you another chance after you tried to get with my best friend, well ex- best friend now. So you tell me, why? Why again? We were fucking selfish. That’s why we tried again after the billionth time. I’m in love with you. Was in love with you.. You just gave up on me once you had me again. You always called yourself a fuckboy and always questioned me about why i went back with you. I just ignored you, when i shouldn’t have. Because you were right. You are a fuckboy and i guess you’re proud of it? I can’t pass you in the hallway without me needing to stare are you to see if i’ll catch you staring back. But no, every time i look up, you’re looking down. Every single day, i tried. I tried getting your attention but i just couldn’t. So, i gave up. I gave up on trying to get your attention every single day. You gave up a long time ago, so why couldn’t i? We just drifted apart from each other over the summer, we weren’t the same couple we were in 2015. We changed so much throughout the months we’ve been apart. 
Im glad you tried ending it on a good note. But i couldn’t. I didn’t want to lose you again. I wanted to be with you because you were the only one who made me happy. But i guess that your feelings faded and i changed. I couldn’t bare to lose you again. I knew that we wouldn’t have worked but i was selfish, and wanted you back. I wanted to be happy.

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